


Coming to Terms

by GoldenSlumbers0919



Series: Terms [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Bullying, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Mild Language, Relationships to be added - Freeform, Relationships/endgames undecided, Trigger warnings (will be specified at the start of triggering chapters), Warnings May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-10-17 00:29:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10582656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenSlumbers0919/pseuds/GoldenSlumbers0919
Summary: Kurt faces his biggest fear, only for his worst nightmare to come to light. His dad was all he had left in the world, and now he had lost that as well. Who would want a gay son anyway?





	1. Coming Out (And Wanting To Go Back In)

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this popped into my head one day so I decided to run with it.  
> This story will probably be irregularly updated as my glorious beta (On Tumblr as technicolorcatharsis) is a busy little bee and I want to take my time with this fic to do it justice. I'm not sure how far I'm going to go with this story, but as of now I have a general idea for at least season one.  
> I'm also on Tumblr, goldenslumbers0919 is my fic blog.

Kurt let the words settle in after his dad had spoken them. His dad was proud of him, even if it was just over football. The teen faced his father, the one he had changed what he wore and listened to in public for so he could pass as straight. He steeled himself as he faced his father, not wanting to live the lie anymore.

"Dad, I'm happy you're proud of me, but I need to be honest with you. I'm not dating Tina or even Brittany."

"You don't have a girlfriend?"

"No, I don't. I'm... I'm gay."

It was quiet for a few beats several emotions ranging from confusion to sadness slitting across Burt's face in quick succession.

"Dad?"

"Get out."

"What?"

"I said get out of my house. You have until tomorrow morning to leave. I'll let you take whatever you want of yours except the car, but I want you out of my house by the time I'm up for work. I'll put your bank card and the pin number on the kitchen table, all your money is there. I don't want to see you again after tonight, understood?"

"Dad-"

"Don't call me that."

Kurt froze, watching his father walk up the stairs before the young teen collapsed onto his couch. He felt like he should be crying, maybe throwing things, but instead he could feel only his heart race and his breathing quicken. Before he could get his breathing under control he finally felt the tears come and allowed himself to sob harshly.

Meanwhile, Burt was pacing in his bedroom, trying to figure out how he had failed so harshly as a father. How could his only son turn out to be a homo? Not only as he failed as a father, he had failed to keep his promise to Elizabeth to raise their son right. Sure, he had never been close to Kurt, their most in depth conversations tended to be about the garage, but had he been that distant? Kurt had always been weird as a kid, but he seemed to turn a corner about a year after losing his mom. Had that been a lie? Shaking his head, Burt continued to pace.

Once Kurt finally calmed down, he packed his things, taking all the clothes her could fit into two large suitcases, the photo album of his family he had made tucked safely into one. He also had his mothers wedding rings, which he slipped on a chain to put around his neck, lightly squeezing it before continuing to pack. Next, he filled his duffel bag with his skin care creams and hair products. After a minute of thought, he took the sim and SD cards from his phone, putting them, his ear buds, and his IPod in a small box and adding it to the duffel bag. The final few things he added was his small, portable safe with extra cash and jewelery along with his school supplies, finally zipping the bag and slinging it over his shoulder.

When he got upstairs, he saw his dad putting his bank card on the coffee table, freezing when he saw Kurt.

"I said you could stay here overnight." Burt seemed almost hesitant to remind Kurt he could stay longer.

"I wouldn't want you to have to be around me any longer than strictly necessary."

He pulled out his credit card and dropped it on the table, replacing it with the debit card. The next thing he set down was his phone and keys, followed by a family ring his father had given him on his birthday that year.

"That ring was a gift."

"Apparently I'm not your son, so I don't want a Hummel family ring."

"But-"

"You don't get to do this half-assed. You're kicking me out and told me not to call you my dad, which I'm assuming means you want to disown me. Am I wrong?"

"It's not that I want to but this ain't right, you know that. You're choosing this Kurt, if you change your mind-"

"It's not a choice!" Kurt stood up straighter.

"You were straight last week!"

"No I wasn't, I was just hiding it from you! Do you honestly think anyone would willingly make the choice to have their father kick them out?"

"Being gay isn't natural, it's not something people are born with! It's something freaks choose to stick out!"

"Well you don't have to worry about having a freak around anymore!"

Kurt grabbed his things and left, storming off down the sidewalk. It wasn't until he reached an empty park at the end of his street that he realized he truly had nowhere else to go. He didn't want to go to anyone in his dad's family, they would reject him anyway. His mom was an only child and he didn't know where her parents were, except that they weren't in Ohio. Burt Hummel had been all that he had in the world, and now he didn't even have him.  
It occurred to Kurt that the motel across town rented rooms monthly and though they weren't the highest quality, he should have enough to cover the first month. Besides, it not like there was anywhere else in Lima he could- he didn't let himself finish the thought. Instead, he steeled himself and began the slow going walk to the motel halfway across town. By the time he got there, he was ready to drop.

"You okay, kid?" The woman looked around his dad's age, with dark skin and a kind smile.

"I'm fine, or I will be."

"Runaway or kicked out?"

"Disowned," he clarified, sliding his card over.

"Why?"

"For being gay." As soon as the words were out he regretted them, but the older woman didn't seem to mind at all.

"Can you afford the room?" Her eyes were a little wide with concern.

"Put a month on please, it's my personal money."

"Okay, we do have a free continental breakfast from six to ten and Wi-Fi, and a room with a kitchen-dining area would be an additional ten dollars a week."

"I'll take a room with a kitchen then." After a moment of though, Kurt spoke again. "You don't happen to know anywhere nearby that's hiring, do you?"

"As a matter of fact, one of our waiters just quit. I don't own the motel, so I couldn't give you a big discount on the room, but I would be willing to hire you. Working here should cover your room and leave enough money for food." She smiled kindly at him.

"Really?"

"Yes, you're pretty, you'll bring in customers."

"Thank you so much Miss-I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"Call me Auntie, everyone on the staff does. Come by Monday morning at eight and we'll have breakfast and get you your uniform." She patter his hand.

"I'm sorry, I have school." Kurt deflated slightly.

"You'll have to take the day off, you look like you could use it anyway."

"Thank you, you're right."

"Go, get some sleep." She handed over his room key with a wink. "I even gave you the employee discount."

"Th-" Kurt was cut off when she grabbed his hand.

"No need to thank me, go to bed."

He smiled and squeezed her hand for a second before collapsing onto the bed and falling asleep almost right away. He spent most of Sunday unpacking, repressing the urge to call his dad and take back what he had said. To himself, he made a vow not to come out to anyone else until college, if he even came out then. He had only come out twice in his life, and he almost regretted telling Auntie, feeling nothing but relief it didn't make a difference to the kind stranger. It wasn't something he would risk with anyone else though. He would allow everyone to think he had a crush on Rachel or Brittany or whoever else, but he couldn't let the other jocks at McKinley find out their kicker was gay.

Two days later, Kurt was back at school, maintaining his resolve to stay in the closet. Tina, Mercedes, and Artie hurried over to him as soon as they caught sight of him.

"None of us could reach you, what happened?"

"Are you okay?"

"Guys, I'm fine," Kurt promised. "I broke my phone and if I want a new one, I'm going to have to pay for it myself. I was out yesterday finding a job, which I managed to do, so I won't be able to hang out outside of school for a while. My dad said I need to get a new car too, something went wrong with the Lincoln."

"Next time, pick up a landline and call."

"I will, sorry you guys were so worried about me."


	2. Hiding In Plain Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burt pays a visit after Kurt finds out about Carole and Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had a lot of self-loathing, blink-and-you'll-miss-it homophobic language (Kurt to himself), and mentions of conversion therapy.  
> I'm also on Tumblr: goldenslumbers0919

Mercedes had lasted a week before she started asking Kurt what was wrong, but he just claimed he was tired from work. He couldn't bring himself to tell his friend that he was living in a motel because he come out to his dad. The black girl would only feel guilt herself and conflicted over resuming their friendship together. She was religious and, despite apparently making them, God didn't like gays. He would never force her to choose between him and her religion, he would just continue to let her believe he was in love with someone else.

Rachel was next, complaining he wasn't being decent competition anymore since he had stopped fighting for solos. Distracting her was easier, a subtle comment about not having the time to bring the club to it's full potential with seemingly accidental praise about her own drive and dedication for performing. Instead of questioning it she merely beamed at him and offered to help him land a solo.

Mike noticed that things were changing too for him, but him and Matt had tried to distract him instead of prying. Kurt politely turned them down and wondered if they would still treat him like a friend if they knew he was gay. The rest of the team wouldn't, he knew that much, but the pair of quiet teens were nice to pretty much everyone. After they let him know that the offer was open ended and he could take it up at any time Kurt resolved to never risk finding out how his sexuality could change his friendships with them.

Tina and Artie had tried to find out what was going on as well, but he had set about setting them up and allowed them to become distracted with each other. Just because he would probably never a happy relationship like that, that didn't mean his friends didn't deserve to be happy together. It also had the added bonus of keeping them off of his back when they started dating since their time revolved a lot around their new relationship.

Soon enough, Kurt's 'constant work' to 'pay his phone bill and buy a new car' was an ongoing joke with the club. The pale teen would roll his eyes playfully and go along with the joke.

When he walked into school one day after a few months of his new life, he saw his dad by Finn's locker, clapping the tall teen on the shoulder and beaming.

"Hey, Kurt, why didn't you tell us your dad is dating Finn's mom?"

"I didn't know they were still together." Kurt shrugged.

"Weird, Finn says it's been a few months now," Mike noted. "Burt takes him to games and has them over for dinner every Friday."

"How could you not know?" Puck raised an eyebrow.

"I've been working a lot and barely see my dad." The excuse sounded weak, even to him. it would be okay though, he could do damage control tomorrow when the shock wore off some more and he could focus.

When he got back to his room at the motel he sat on the edge of his bed, taking a few deep breaths. He had known from the moment he came out that his dad didn't want him as a son anymore and was probably ashamed that he raised a fag. Kurt himself was still coming up blank on a way to fix himself or telling someone and letting them help. Auntie knew, but she didn't see the problem with it, she insisted there was nothing wrong with him and he eventually dropped it.  
Shaking his head, Kurt started to get ready for work.

Later that night, after his shift at the diner, there was another knock on the door, Kurt frowning before looking out the peephole. He opened the door to reveal Burt, who was wringing his baseball cap in his hands and shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"Burt?"

Being called by his first name by his son clearly startled the older man. "Since when do you call me Burt?"

"I'm sorry, would you prefer Mr.Hummel?" Kurt cocked his head to the side.

"No, but I'm your dad-"

"You disowned me and specifically told me not to call you my dad. I don't want to do this out here, my neighbors are nosy. Come in if you want to talk."

After the door was closed, Burt took a moment to look at how clean and well kept the room was before sitting on the chair Kurt motioned to. Kurt wore a carefully placed mask of indifference, ignoring how nervous Burt seemed as he fidgeted.

"What do you want?"

Burt flinched at the cold tone Kurt used with him before steeling his resolve.

"Well... I'm going to ask Carole to move in with me."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"I want you there."

"What?"

"I want you to be a part of the family again."

"No."

"No?"

"Is there an echo in here?" Kurt continued to feign indifference, ignoring the feeling of his blood boiling right beneath the surface.

The elder Hummel shook his head in disbelief and ignored the remark. "Why not?"

"Because, as far as I'm concerned I don't have a family." The teen lost a bit of control in his voice, resentment tainting his tone. "I've been doing just fine on my own. You'll have your girlfriend and the son you always wanted; a whole new family."

"You could come home and be a part of it."

"I couldn't even if I wanted to because that's not home anymore."

"I'm still your dad-"

"You stopped being my dad when you threw me out of the house and disowned me. We may be related, but we're not family."

"You don't mean that..." Burt looked startled.

"I have been on my own for months now and I'm not going to come back and act like everything's okay to appease your girlfriend. Coming out to you was the most terrifying moment of my life and it ended up being my worst nightmare coming true. It gets a little lonely sometimes, sure, but I can't go back to living with you like it never happened."

"Kurt-"

"If it's all the same to you I'd like you to go now, I'm busy."

"If you change your mind-"

"I won't. Just go."

Burt complied, Kurt slumping into his bed and cradling his head in his hands, doing a breathing exercise Ms.Pillsbury had shown him. The petite red head hadn't known details, she only knew that Kurt's anxiety was at an all time high and had offered some general advice when he refused to give details. When his breathing finally evened out he did his homework before going to bed, following his new routine. After homework, it was time for his bed time hygiene before settling into bed.

As he stared at the ceiling, he contemplated how long he could keep this up. He could continue paying the rent and for food, even having enough left over to go into his bank account at the end of the week. School and work never conflicted, Auntie making sure he could both work and keep his grades up so he could provide for himself. That wasn't what Kurt would worry about.

What worried Kurt Elizabeth Hummel was someone finding out. Not only about his living conditions, if he had another plausible reason for living away from his dad he would have  
used it by now. But if anyone found out how... disgusting he was he was sure he would lose what little he had managed to cling to. Conversion therapy had crossed his mind a lot during the early days of living alone. He could make himself straight and go back to how life was before he came out. After looking into it he had axed the idea of flat out camps but was still looking into general therapy.

He had also researched ways to try to force himself to be normal, but some of it he had already been doing, some of it wasn't working, and he wasn't desperate enough (Yet) for the rest of it. Even once he did manage to be straight, he didn't think he could forgive his dad for abandoning him instead of helping. Had he helped instead, maybe Kurt could've already been fixed, he could be a better son and still be on the football team. Instead, he was on his own trying to figure out a way to fix himself before the problem became any worse. He just wanted to be normal.

After struggling with his thoughts for an hour, he finally fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think.  
> In the next chapter, Kurt is going to be outed to everyone and it will feature some of the fallout from that.


	3. I Didn't Want to Be Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt gets a surprise when he arrives at school and the adults want to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on Tumblr as goldenslumbers0919

At school the next day Rachel flitted over the moment she saw him.

"We may not be close but I just want to let you know that my dads consider our house a safe haven for the LGBT community and we all wanted to offer you our guest room so-"

"Slow down, you sound like a hummingbird, what are you talking about?"

"Finn told us about what happened with you and your dad, that he kicked you out because you're gay."

"Wait, Finn told you that?"

"He sent out a mass text to the club-"

"Everyone knows?" Kurt's eyes widened.

"What's the matter?"

"The reason I didn't tell any of you was because I didn't want you to know." Kurt squeezed the strap on his bag, knowing no amount of breathing exercises would help the panic currently running through him. "I-I didn't want anyone to know."

"There's nothing wrong with being gay-"

"Don't patronize me, this is Lima, I get enough crap just for being in Glee."

"Only the club knows-"

"Right, I'm sure the gossipy cheerleaders didn't tell anyone." Kurt's tone was biting, causing Rachel to back off.

By the time Kurt reached Glee, his shoulders were bruising from being shoved into lockers and he was shooting Finn daggers. Finn, meanwhile, looked confused and hurt at the glare he was receiving from the paler teen.

"Dude, what's wrong?"

"You told everyone!"

"I was just trying to help, calm down!"

"Calm down? Are you kidding me? Do you know how awful everyone has been to me thanks to you butting into my business? My own dad kicked me out for being gay, why would you think I wanted anyone else to know?" Kurt's voice was bitter and angry, nearing a hiss on the last sentence as though he were a cornered animal, seeming to shrink in on himself.

"Kurt, that's enough," Mr.Schue tried to intervene.

"Right, of course, I forgot that Finn can do no wrong just because he's your golden boy and you probably would have done the same thing if you were him. Outing me and making me a bigger target should be overlooked because he assumed he knows what's best for someone he barely knows."

Everyone else in the room went silent until Finn cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry."

"I know you were only trying to help but next time don't just assume you know what I need."

"So, it's true," Mike asked.

"Yes, it's true." Kurt's voice was quiet, his eyes dropping to the floor, shoulders slumping.

"You're gay?" Puck's voice brimmed with anger as he jumped to his feet. "Did you join the team just to peek at us in the showers? You probably only left when you got enough of a show from us!"

"I didn't even think of that!" Finn sounded worried now. "Did you?"

"I didn't peek at any of you!" The counter tenor was blushing bright red. "I only left the team so I could work!"

"Then why are you blushing?"

"Maybe because he was outed and you're assuming he's some kind of perv just because he's gay." Mercedes folded her arms in front of her. "Being gay doesn't mean he's a creep."

"Just because you all want some shopping buddy to compliment your boobs without being creepy that doesn't mean he's not a perv."

At that comment everyone started talking at once except for Kurt, who jumped to his feet, looking more frayed and uncomposed than anyone had ever seen him. His usual porcelain face seemed almost grey, the dark circles under his eyes sticking out more, finally bringing them to the notice of a few other Glee kids. The rest of the room quieted down as he stood, body shaking lightly.

"This is why I didn't tell anyone." His voice was quiet.

"Kurt..."

"I-I'm sorry." Shaking lightly he hurried out of the room, Mercedes going after him and glaring at the others so they would stay put.

"Kurt! Kurt, slow down!"

"I have to get out of here." Kurt was still shaking, even as he continued virtually sprinting away from her.

"You shouldn't be alone right now." She tried to keep her voice soothing as she hurried to keep up. "You can come to my place and we can-"

"I need to be alone."

The black teen tried to touch his arm but he pulled away like she would burn him.

"Kurt-"

"Don't touch me."

Before she could reply he sprinted away, leaving her staring after him.

No one could get a hold of him through his phone and none of them knew where he was staying. The unholy trinity had slipped away, Puck following. Soon enough, all of the Glee kids had left. Mr.Schue walked to Ms.Pillsbury's office, surprised to see Sue already there.

"Sue? What are you doing here?"

"I heard that Kurt was forcibly outed and am talking to Ginger about setting up counseling sessions with her. From what I've been told no one has reacted well, even Kurt, and I'm  
worried about the impact this is going to have on him."

"Since when do you care," Will asked.

"Most of your Glee kids are self absorbed divas William, that's why I felt no guilt about pulling it apart at every chance. We all know that Kurt is different, not that any kid should go through this, but he's been through more than enough."

"Which is why I want to reuinite him with his dad."

The women exchanged shocked looks.

"That is by far the dumbest idea I have ever heard, which is saying something considering you restarted Glee club."

"Come on, he needs someone-"

"Yes, Will, he needs someone to care about him unconditionally, not the man who was supposed to but kicked him out."

Mr.Schue seemed shocked to hear Ms.Pillsbury say something so bluntly, especially to him.

"Emma, that's his dad, the only family he has left-"

"-and when his son was at his most vulnerable he disowned him, taking away the last of Kurt's family. All Burt Hummel is going to remind Kurt of is that he's alone in the world. In my professional opinion, Kurt needs someone who can hold his hand without question, someone he can trust."  
The cheerleading coach looked impressed at the guidance counselor's unwavering stance, especially when she was disagreeing with Will.

"And that's Sue?"

"Maybe, maybe not, I'm not the one who kicked him out or outed him. Sexuality has no impact on me, never has." Sue shrugged.

"Emma, you can't seriously be taking Sue's side right noe."

"I'm not on her side, or your side for that matter, because this isn't about some petty feud between the two of you. I'm on Kurt's side and want what's best for him. Sue is willing to put her issues aside and work with the Glee club if she needs to for Kurt's sake. Now, I'm sorry Will, but if you're going to let your own bias get in the way we don't want your input. Our priority should always be the students, and if that's not your main priority I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"You can't be serious."

"I'm plenty serious."

"Fine. I don't need two women trying to keep a family apart anyway."

Will stormed out, Sue and Emma exchanging glances.

"Well, Emma, I don't think I've ever seen you aggressive."

"I've never had to be," Emma admitted. "Will likes to think that he knows what's best for the Glee kids but he didn't even notice Kurt was struggling."

"You did?"

"He wouldn't tell me what it was, but he has spent some time in here when he felt especially overwhelmed by everything. I meant what I said, the students should be our priority, not just our favorite ones either. Right now, Kurt doesn't need Burt, he needs someone who is willing to help him, not the man who threw his own son out. I've left a message on Kurt's cellphone asking for him to come straight to my office tomorrow instead of going to class."

"I did the same thing, promised him it would just be us here even if it's just so he can get his classwork done here for the day."

"Perfect." Emma began typing on her computer. "I'm sending a note to his teachers excusing him from classes for the rest of the week and to forward all of his work to me."

"I don't think I've ever held respect like this for another teacher in the slop-hole of a public school," Sue admitted.

"Respect?"

"You just shot down time making moon eyes at the poster child for school girl crushes everywhere. I didn't think you had that in you."

"Will isn't who I thought he was, I realized that a while ago. Besides, I'm not willing to risk the health of any student over some silly crush I outgrew."

When Emma came back into her office after lunch, Madonna was blaring through her speakers. Smiling softly, the woman got to work sorting out files, humming along to the music as she did.

Meanwhile, Burt was listening to a voice mail from Carole cancelling their dinner for that evening, saying she needed more time to think about everything. Burt threw his phone onto his armchair before thumping onto the couch, burying his face into his hands and letting out a frustrated sigh. He had thought Carole would understand since she had been raised Catholic, she should get why Burt did what he did.

Burt Hummel didn't understand why Kurt seemed to be the only one who accepted his decision, and he wasn't sure how to feel about that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought~


	4. No Closet In Lima to Hide In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt's mind is racing after being outed at school and Burt is still learning to live with the consequences of his decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm also on Tumblr as goldenslumbers0919  
> Also, everything after the first chapter had not been beta read because the story flowed a lot easier than I expected to.  
> I'm not sure if I really need to warn for this, but there is a bit more self-hate than usual in this chapter.

Kurt was pacing back and forth in his hotel room, greatful Burt had apparently neglected to tell Finn where Kurt was now living. Not that he was ashamed of the little home he had made for himself (He was actually quite proud), but because he couldn't be around anyone right now. Now that they all knew how disgusting he was. He had hidden it quite well so far, wearing tee shirts, plaid, and baggy jeans, only watching musicals with Mercedes, even going so far as to 'check out' girls when 'he thought no one was watching'. Most of his school career since fourth grade had focused on making sure no one found out that he was a homo.

And now all of that had been thrown away because Finn had found out and told Glee. From there, everyone found out and there was nowhere outside of his room he could go without feeling eyes on him. They were everywhere, watching him, judging him. The worst part was he knew how wrong he was, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't fix himself. No matter how hard he faked it, he still didn't prefer Angelina over Brad. But now, everyone knew, and there was no going back. There was no closet for him to crawl back into because it had been smashed when he was shoved out of it.

For a moment Kurt contemplated leaving school all together and getting his GED instead, he could easily pass the test even if he was only a sophomore. It took him less than a minute to trash that idea after it crossed his mind. He was getting out of Lima and, while it was amazing for now, would not spend his entire life waiting tables at a motel. Tomorrow he would return to school and try to lay low, hopefully avoid at least some of the inevitable bullying. He had never been the most popular guy, and he had been teased over Glee, gotten a few slushees, but that would be even more minuscule compared to what would wait for him tomorrow.

Steeling himself, he got ready for work, determined to go on with his life as much as he could manage. World falling apart all over again or not, he needed to make money if he ever expected to escape Lima.

Across town, Burt sat across from Carole, jaw dropped.

"You're leaving me?"

"I have to."

"No, you don't," Burt insisted. "You and Finn can still move in with me-"

"You kicked your own son out for being gay, I can't be with someone who could do that to his child. My relationships aren't just about me Burt, they're about Finn too, and I can't risk putting him in a situation like that. Any man I date has to be as good for him as they are for me, and I won't be with someone who might reject him for being honest about who he is."

"I wouldn't."

"What if he's gay? Or bi? Or anything other than straight?"

"He's not though-"

"No one thought Kurt was either," Carole pointed out. "Right now, Finn says he's straight and I believe him, but if he ever tells me otherwise I'll still love and support him the same. I need someone in my life who I can trust would do the same, and that's not you."

"Carole, please-"

"No, Burt, I can't stay with you. I already talked to the realtor and told her not to put my house on the market."

"We can fix this, Kurt might come back-"

"It's not just about him, even if that is a deal breaker. You lied to me for months about why he was never here. You hid something this important from me for months."

"Don't do this..."

"I have to." Carole grabbed her purse as she stood up. "Goodbye Burt."

"Carole-"

Ignoring him, Carole left, Burt sinking into his chair when he heard the front door slam shut behind her. As far as Burt was concerned, Kurt had ruined his life, and maybe it was his fault for neglecting his son after his wife had died. He didn't think he deserved this though, all he had now was his work and his house. Everything else was gone. His wife was dead, his son was gone (and he couldn't fix that), Carole had left, which meant he would lose Finn too. He was alone, and the house felt quieter than ever.

Why couldn't Kurt have just been normal? What was so wrong with Brittany or Tina that he couldn't date one of them? At the very least he could have faked it and not ruined everyone's lives by being gay. Or maybe Kurt was supposed to be gay as some kind of karma for not appreciating his family as much as he should have. He had never really known how lucky he had been to have Elizabeth and Kurt like he did until he lost his wife. It also hit him that he had also lost Kurt, even before he son came out to him.

He let out a groan of frustration and threw a pillow across the room, knocking the TV over, which only made him more angry. He picked up the remote and threw that as well. By the time he collapsed onto the floor in a state of exhaustion the entire room was trashed and he was breathing heavily. On the one shelf he had seemed to subconsciously avoid was a glass frame from before Elizabeth died, the two of them cuddling up to a still chubby and positively beaming Kurt. Getting to his feet he walked over to the shelf and stared at the picture for a moment before smashing that too.

When Kurt returned home from his shift he felt ready to collapse. The work itself wasn't anymore difficult than usual, he just felt so drained, but he was still anxious. Maybe he should skip school tomorrow after all, go to the library and look into conversion therapy. It may mean staying in Lima longer than he had planned to, but at least then he could leave feeling normal. That's all he wanted, just to feel normal for a change instead of disgusting. He wouldn't even be able to pretend like everything was normal there anymore either, because of Finn.

As soon as the thought entered his head, Kurt felt anger bubble up in his stomach punched into a pillow for a few minutes until he tired himself out. Once he was done he clutched the pillow to his chest and curled around it, falling onto his side. Realistically, yes, it was Finn's fault for telling everyone, but he also knew that Finn didn't realize what would happen. The lug honestly thought the world of the club as a team and probably thought they would keep it to themselves. No matter how much he tossed, turned, and adjusted, Kurt couldn't fall asleep after deciding he couldn't hide tomorrow. He may be gay, but he wasn't a coward.

Tomorrow morning, he would face the students of McKinley, even if he couldn't hold his head high anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be Kurt going to school, featuring more of Sue and Emma working together. It may be split into two parts, I'm not sure yet as I'm still working on it.  
> I'm also still debating putting Kurt in a relationship during this fic closer to the end, or wait until I do the sequel.  
> Thoughts?


	5. School Matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt goes to school and has to deal with bullies before Sue finds him. Warnings for homophobia, violence, and general bullying to be safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is crazy. More explanation in the end notes that you should feel more than free to skip.  
> Sorry for the delay.  
> Also on Tumblr as goldenslumbers0919

Thinking his wardrobe over, Kurt contemplated if there was any way he could make himself blend in even more than he already did. Considering the sheer amount of bland clothes he wore, he didn't think it would be possible unless he got a hold of an invisibility cloak. He had two hous before he had to leave, but he couldn't sleep and had finally given up. Instead of debating his clothes further, he just grabbed the first shirt and pair of jeans he got his hands on and got dressed. After staring at his phone for a minute, he tossed it onto his bed with a sigh. Either no one had tried to talk to him or, more than likely, everyone was trying to tell him exactly what they thought of him being gay. Everyone would want to make themselves heard knowing his friends, and he wasn't in the mood to listen.

Today was going to be hard enough without knowing what his friends thought. If they were still his friends that is.

Maybe he should go in early to talk to Ms.Pillsbury, she was understanding and would usually let him sit in her office until he was calmed down. He could call her and ask what the earliest he could be in was, but that would mean turning his phone on. Shaking his head, Kurt began to pace before deciding to go get some coffee from the breakfast the motel offered. No one else was there yet except for a few businessmen. Even Auntie wasn't there, the older woman having no clue what had happened yesterday.

After drinking a cup of coffee, Kurt grabbed an apple and managed to eat it before going for more coffee. Finally, he went back to his room and muddled his way through the homework he hadn't finished the previous night. It wasn't perfect, but it was done and that's all that his teachers cared about. He had always held himself at a higher standard than that with his homework, holding out hope that if he was perfect in every other way, he wouldn't lose his dad if he came out. Not that it actually worked. Or mattered now.

Shoving the thought aside, Kurt realized it was finally time to leave for school and braced himself for the day. No one bothered him until he reached the parking lot, where he was grabbed roughly and thrown against the dumpster.

"Hey, fag, we got a few questions for you," Azimio sneered. "How many times did you peek at us while you were on the team?"

"Never," Kurt insisted.

"Liar."

When Kurt tried to slip away, Karofsky stepped forward to block his path but didn't actually touch the other teen.

"I'm not lying, I swear-"

"Yeah? Well up until yesterday we all thought you were normal, so how do we know you're not lying now too?"

"We were friends-"

"Before we found out the truth, and the truth is that you're a pervert Hummel. You only stopped when your dad found out and kicked you out."

"I'm not a pervert, just let me go, please."

"No. We're going to show you exactly where homos belong."

They shoved him around for a minute or so, laughing when he stumbled, a few of them landing hits to his stomach. The punches made his lose his breath and the only relief he felt was when they finally stopped. It was short lived when he was picked up and tossed into the mostly empty dumpster, once again losing his breath. Kurt just stayed there, waiting for his vision to clear around the edges and for the sounds of laughter to retreat. When it was finally quiet for the most part he climbed out and hurried to the nearest bathroom to inspect his injuries. On the way he was shoved around some more, causing him to flinch.

After making sure the bathroom was empty he faced the mirror and lifted his shirt, flinching when he saw the red marks that spanned across his stomach. They were going to bruise for sure and he didn't have any cream at the motel. Maybe he could convince Auntie to make a run to pick some up for him if he gave her the money. Claiming he had a bruise on his butt from falling should be enough to keep her questions at bay. Still, they were going to be sore for a while and going to the nurse wasn't an option. She probably knew too and it was well known she wasn't exactly open minded, opinionated, and pried for every little detail.

On his way to his locker, he was tossed around even more, aggravating the bruises on his shoulders from the previous day. It was then that Kurt decided that must be how to subtly bully someone, by doing it in a way that he couldn't directly single them out and blame then. Or maybe he was giving it too much thought and should just take it as it was. He finally got to his locker, unsurprised to see the word 'fag' spray painted across it in bright pink letters. Trying to ignore the stares he felt on him, he gathered his books, surprised to see a tall figure behind him.

"Hummel, go to Ms.Pillsbury's office."

"Coach Sylvester-"

"Wasn't just a request kid, get moving, I'm walking you."

Kurt followed the cheer leading coach to the guidance office without being shoved, wary of the smile Ms.Pillsbury gave him when he arrived.

"Hi Kurt."

"Hey."

"Have a seat." Ms.Pillsbury gestured to a chair across from her.

"Thank you." Kurt sat down, wondering if Coach Sylvester would be there the entire time.

"Kurt, we know about what happened yesterday."

"Then why are you smiling at me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you just because you happen to be gay."

"Sure," he scoffed. "That's why my dad kicked me out, because being gay is great."

"It's not great, but it's also not awful, it's a fact and a part of you that shouldn't have been made the entire school's business. This is a small town in Ohio and you're going through something difficult, so Sue and I have arranged for you to do you work from one of our offices for the remainder of the week and next week."

"Seriously?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"It's our jobs as teachers to help students, but it is your decision if you want to accept it."

"Can we play it by ear?"

"Of course," Ms.Pillsbury agreed. "We can give it a trial run for today and see how it goes. If you start feeling suffocated in here you're free to go to Sue's office. Where would you be more comfortable to begin?"

"Here, if that's okay."

"It's okay."

"I'll bring him lunch later," Sue finally spoke. "You've got enough to worry about today kid."

"Thank you."

He finally relaxed a little in his seat, hopeful that he had actually managed to find at least two people who didn't care if he was gay. Taking a small breath he accepted the pile of work from the guidance counselor and got to work, happy for a distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to drop a comment. The next chapter is partially done, just trying to pick who's reactions I'm mostly going to focus on.  
> ~Feel free to skip this next part because it's mostly my life drama~  
> I've been helping to raise my sort of niece and nephew and lately that means spending a lot more of my free time with them. Right around the time their mom (Their parents are split) was 'forced' to duck out of their lives 'temporarily' (Again) our pop passed away suddenly. Between taking care of the kids, helping out with my own infant sister, and helping my parents keep the house clean, it's been hectic. Honestly, I could post roughly once a week again, but I'm still taking this story seriously and do not want to rush chapters just to get them done.


	6. Extracurriculars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Schuster thinks he knows what's best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! Things are calming down a bit now! The next chapter is nearly done, but it's proving to be a challenge.  
> Additional warning for language

Kurt was done all of his work for the day by third period but still hadn’t decided if he was going to go to Glee. The only person who had reached out to him in person so far had been Rachel, and with her ability to hold a grudge he could consider that bridge a few steps past burned. Rachel was a lot of things, but forgiving and easy going was nowhere near that list, in fact she was still obviously smug about Quinn being pregnant with Puck’s baby. Kurt had lashed out at her for doing what she considered as trying to help. He had never actively bullied her and had even told the guys to leave her alone when he caught them, but that wouldn’t be enough for her. Glee, as much as it was considered an outlet for everyone, was very much her domain.

Reasonably, he knew he couldn’t hide in the safety of the Guidance Counselor’s office forever, he had only been given the remainder of the week and next week, even if the bullying got out of hand. No parents now to call him out of school to homeschool him to keep him safe. Even if Ms.Pillsbury would probably push for him to be able to pull himself out for cyber school he didn’t want to put her through that. Campaigning for the gay kid to escape the abuse? That could potentially cost her her job, certainly her reputation at the very least. After everything the woman had done for him he refused to put that on her shoulders.

“Kurt, are you okay?”

“Fine, just thinking.”

“Anything I can help with?”

“I’m just trying to decide if I’m going to Glee or not.”

“Well, while singing about your feelings won’t magically fix anything, I know Tina and Mercedes are worried about you. I won’t be offended if you say no, but I could go and make sure no one harrasses you while you’re there.”

“Thank you, but I think I’ll be fine. I’m going to go and see what happens.”

“If at any point you feel uncomfortable just leave and come back here, okay?”

“I will.”

He left before the end of the period, the choir room blissfully empty as he took a seat near the back of the room. Realistically he knew it wouldn’t make a difference, everyone was going to notice him there, but it didn’t hurt to try. To his surprise no one said anything to him as they all took their seats before Mr.Schue walked in. As soon as the teacher noticed Kurt he closed the door and locked it, Kurt feeling his heart speed up.

“What’s going on,” Kurt asked, trying to keep his voice even.

“Kurt, we’re glad you’re here because we want to help.”

"Help?”

“Mr.Hummel?”

Kurt was going to ask why he was being called Mr.Hummel when the door to Mr.Schue’s office opened and his dad emerged.

“What the hell is going on,” Burt demanded.

As soon as his eyes landed on Kurt, Burt’s eyes narrowed.

“Burt-”

“You have some serious explaining to do Schue.”

“I understand that there’s a rift between the two of you and I want to help fix that.”

“I guess a rift is one word for it.” Kurt folded his arms in front of him and slumped in the chair.

“Look, you’re father and son, you shouldn’t just cut each other off like this. I think if you just talk to each other you could work things out.”

“All due respect Scue but from what I heard, you’re not exactly the poster guy for healthy relationships,” Burt grumbled.

“But-”

“You said you were gonna set it up so I can talk to Finn because he’s in some kind of trouble, not some kind of intervention with me and Kurt.”

Kurt felt something in him snap and stood up.

“Kurt-”

“You set this up. Ms.Pillsbury told you exactly what was going on between us and you still felt the need to do what you wanted. What is wrong with you?”

“You can’t talk to a teacher like that-”

“And you can’t tell me what to do anymore,” Kurt cut Burt off. “You know, ever since I was outed there have been three people who treated me like I still have a choice in anything. That’s it, three. Now just because everyone found out I’m different they think they can just bully me into doing things their way and I’m sick of it!”

“Don’t twist this around like it’s Finn’s fault.” Burt’s jaw was set.

“Oh, my God, after everything I just said you think I’m blaming Finn? I’m not singling anyone out! I’m just telling everyone exactly how I feel since they all feel the need to butt into my business!” He acknowledged everyone in the room. “Since you all seem to be so fucking knowledgeable and want to tell me how I’m supposed to be reacting you may as well have all the details! I have no one left in the world and the only thing that kept me going for years was thinking that I was doing something right and now I don’t even have that! Everything in my life went to complete shit because of something that I can’t change! So go ahead and tell me exactly what you all think I should do so I can tell you exactly what you can do with your opinions!”

It was quiet for a minute before Burt spoke up.

“Your mother would be ashamed of you.”

That seemed to strike Kurt harder than any physical hit he had taken in the last week and he felt all of his anger deflate. Instead he didn’t feel anything except cold and empty. He knew that things with his dad were done, but that comment made it feel final. Later, Kurt wouldn’t recall fleeing the room, everything going blank until he got home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone else would never be able to forget seeing Kurt walk out of the room, most of all they’d never forget the blank look on his face. Kurt had always been guarded at best, but there was no emotion in his face, only a note of finality in the way he walked. Even when he had fled last time he had been shaking but now he was calm.

At the time no one knew it, not even the teenager himself, but Kurt had made his decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading. Let me know what you thought! The next chapter should be here sooner rather than later!


	7. Hopeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boiling point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard to write  
> MAJOR SPOILER ALERT BUT ALSO MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING  
> Attempted suicide

Kurt slammed the door to his room and making sure it was locked before collapsing onto his bed, letting sobs tear through his body. It hurt, his lungs and stomach aching but he couldn’t stop, wouldn’t even try, just letting himself sob until they finally subsided. When he finally calmed down he was simply curled up on the bed, trying to control his breathing. Eventually his breathing evened out and he was simply lying there, body curled around a pillow like it was his only comfort, staring at the wall lost in thought. He had known since everything began that things were done between him and his dad, but somehow today made it feel real, made what he was real. He was gay. His mom would be ashamed of him.

He had hoped his mom would love him enough regardless but just like that even that little kernel of hope was taken from him. So what was the point of continuing? What was the point of when there wasn’t a person dead or alive who would honestly care that he died? To work as a waiter for the rest of his highschool career and hope that he got out of Lima? And what would he do then? He’d still be a fag and that’s all he knew he was going to be. No one in Glee really cared. He had turned on his phone and had found nothing except for a few texts and a missed call from Ms.Pillsbury about going to her office.

The only person who had seriously reached out professionally was obligated to. Sue was just looking an excuse to yell at other kids. Auntie was just naturally nice.

Who was he even living for? Certainly not himself, his dad had let him know on more than one occasion that fags weren’t worth going out of your way for. Certainly not for his dad, his dad hated him and he had accepted even that. Now, however, it wasn’t even to help keep the memory of his mom alive because he was not the kind of legacy she would want to leave behind. She deserved better. That thought is what consciously made up Kurt’s mind for him.

Kurt Hummel felt oddly calm as he poured himself some water and took a bottle of sleeping pills, taking several at a time before lying down. Time blurred, then everything became sort of floaty, like nothing was real anymore. Maybe it wasn’t-at least not for him anymore. Maybe he was already dead and God was real and decided to send him to Purgatory. Gay, but he had never acted on it. He could spend all of eternity floating but couldn’t find a thing wrong with that. He just allowed himself to drift completely weightless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Auntie had seen Kurt flee to his room but had yet to see him emerge which was unusual for him, especially since he had skipped school. Her Pretty Boy was determined to leave Lima, but had told her that meant getting through his classes first so he could graduate. After half an hour she became uneasy and checked on him.

“Honey? You okay?” After getting no response she unlocked and opened the door, gasping at the scene in front of her.

Pretty Boy was on the bed as though he were asleep, but the pill bottle was on it's side completely empty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Burt took another drag of beer as his phone rang for the second time in twenty minutes, him grumbling before finally answering it.

“What?”

“Is this Burt Hummel?”

“Who’s asking?”

“Nurse Gary from Lima General.”

“Why you calling me?”

“Mr.Hummel, the situation has been explained to us but we are legally obligated to inform you that your son is at the hospital.”

“What? Did he get beat up or something?”

“We can’t release details over the phone-”

“If he’s still on my insurance he can use it if it won’t cost me anything. Other than that have a good day.”

He sighed and hung up before polishing off his beer, reaching for another.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Auntie was pacing in the waiting room, trying to keep her breathing even. She had followed the dispatcher's instructions over the phone and rode with Kurt in the ambulance, but he was barely breathing. He had woken up barely and only for a moment, sighing out a word that no one had managed to hear before going unconscious again. They had promised to tell her if there was any change but so far no one had told her anything and it didn’t look like that would be changing anytime soon. She had some phone calls to make.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sue Sylvester and Emma Pillsbury were in William Schuester’s office and Schue had never felt so embarrassed in his entire life.

“What were you thinking? Other than the fact that you seem to think that you seem to think that any problem can be solved by forcing the issue! Or that if talking doesn’t work you can sing some classic rock ballad and feel better about yourself!”

“Emma-”

“Do not ‘Emma’ me Will! I told you that Kurt didn’t need to see his father and you ignored me to stage a little intervention! You are not trained to do something like that!”

“I thought that-”

“You know better than someone with a master’s degree in psychology? Did you take special classes so you could be properly trained on how to handle a very guarded teenager in a delicate situation? Have you even noticed that Kurt has been having anxiety problem for years or did you just want to make yourself look better?”

“Sue, help me out here.”

“No William, I don’t think I will. See, I planned on shaving every inch of your curly body but Emma has things more than under control.”

“Let’s just call Kurt-”

“No one has been able to get in touch with him and no one knows where he’s staying. We tried calling the motel but they couldn’t tell us if he was there or not.”

That’s when Emma’s phone rang and her world was thrown through another loop.

“Emma, what is it,” Sue asked as Emma hung up.

“Kurt.”

“What about Kurt? Was that him? Is he okay?”

“No, Kurt’s in the hospital and it doesn’t look good. We have to go Sue.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought!


	8. Tripping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hospitals suck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for suicide idealization.

Kurt heard voices and felt rough movement around him, which would usually make him want to investigate but he was so calm. His body felt heavy like it would refuse to budge but he also felt like he was floating high above the sounds of sirens. Nothing felt like it was clicking in his head and he couldn’t even remember what would need to click, other than the bursts of tugging that tried to pull him out of the clouds. He refused to go with the tugging feeling; the same things that were trying to pull him back were loud, harsh, and anxious sounding. Where he was now was peaceful and he never wanted to leave.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Auntie met Emma Pillsbury, Sue Sylvester, and William Schuester in the ICU waiting room.

“ICU?”

“Respiratory failure, I didn’t hear much past that.”

“You must be the one who’s been taking care of Kurt these last few months.”

“As much as Kurt lets anyone take care of him, but he’s mentioned all of you so you must know how stubborn he can be.”

“William might not, he’s a complete imbecile.”

“Ignoring that,” Will shot Sue a pointed look, “what happened?”

“I don’t know what led up to it, but Kurt tried to kill himself by taking a bottle of pills.” Auntie started shaking slightly, prompting Emma to place a hand over the older woman’s. “I’m no idiot, I know Kurt was in about as bad of a place as you can be at his age but he was managing. He said that talking to Ms.Pillsbury was helping with the anxiety and no one at school suspected a thing about what was going on. I just don’t understand what happened.”

“Ms.LaFaux, Kurt was outed at school and earlier today there was a rather rough confrontation with his dad.” Will was trying to be gentle.

“I would hardly call that bastard a dad, and Kurt wouldn’t either. Poor kid wanted to avoid that man at all costs and it ain’t hard to see why.” Auntie seemed pissed at the mention of Burt Hummel.

“Has there been any news,” Emma changed the subject.

“If he makes it through the rest of the day and the night he’ll probably live but that’s all they could say. They said he has to fight, and that boy is a fighter if I ever saw one, but it’s like he just doesn’t want to anymore; like he gave up.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

News spread quickly about Kurt’s suicide attempt, Rachel going so far as to skip school (A first or her) to go to the hospital, agreeing to bring Britt with her.

“Why are you so eager to see him?” Rachel was genuinely curious. “Didn't you two break up months ago?”

“Kurt is a unicorn but he was my only boyfriend that was actually nice to me even after we broke up. Everyone else would always leave after we had sex but Kurt would always cuddle and hold my hand at school all the time. He wasn’t embarrassed to be seen with me and he didn’t treat me like an idiot.”

“That’s sweet.”

“I just really hope he’s going to be okay because I don’t want him to be a pegasus, just a happy unicorn. He deserves it.”

Rachel didn’t understand the wording, but knew what Brittany meant.

“Hey, Kurt’s strong, he’s going to pull through.”

“I hope so.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matt and Mike had stopped by Kurt’s locker, ignoring the slurs written on it, opening it to get out Kurt’s sketch book and his favorite reading books.

“We should have helped,” Mike muttered, acknowledging the slurs.

“We tried, but it would’ve been so much worse if we had pushed him. We reached out, he was just further gone than we realized.”

“Never stopped him from helping us.”

“We’re not him though,” Matt pointed out. “Kurt is one of my best friends but you never know what’s really going on in his head. We should get going though, he’s going to want his stuff when he wakes up.”

“If he wakes up.”

“When he wakes up.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Burt was about to break his damn phone. It had been going off all day and all he wanted was some quiet. Couldn’t he even get that? When the phone rang for what seemed like the hundredth time he answered it.

“What?” His voice didn’t hide his agitation in the slightest.

“Is this Burt Hummel?”

“Yeah. Who’s this?”

“Nurse Janet from Lima General, we’re calling to inform you that your son has been transferred to the ICU and that tomorrow morning we’re hoping he can breathe on his own enough to be taken off of the oxygen.”

“Wait, he's in the ICU? Can’t breathe on his own? What the hell is going on here?”

“Sir, were you not informed?”

“No I was-uh-busy when the nurse called me earlier.”

“Mr.Hummel, your son attempted suicide in a motel room earlier this afternoon-”

Burt could distantly hear arguing in the background but it was faint over the blood whooshing in his ears. Kurt had tried to kill himself?

“I’m on my way,” he vaguely heard himself say before hanging up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The last time Burt Hummel had visited the hospital had been when Lizzie died, hooked up to machines to help prolong her life. They had known, even Kurt, that it was the last time Kurt would see his mother. Now this could be the last time Burt sees his son. His son could die thinking that no one loved him. And there was no one to blame except Kurt himself-

Burt shook his head, now wasn't the time to blame anyone, even Kurt. Honestly, Burt wasn't even sure why he was there, Kurt couldn't really be as bad off as it had sounded on the phone.

“Hi, can I help you,” the receptionist at the ICU asked.

“I'm here to see Kurt Hummel.”

“Relationship?”

“Father.”

“Sign in. A group is in the waiting room for him already, I'm sure they'll show you where his room is.”

The looks that the teachers, teens, and Auntie gave him confirmed that Will Schuster would be the only one willing to tell him where Kurt was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before anyone could say a word doctors were rushing towards Kurt's room as his heart monitor flat lined.

Kurt couldn't hear the difference in the machines. He just felt everything going completely blank.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How is he,” Rachel asked as soon as the doctors emerged from Kurt's room.

“Alive. We got his heart restarted and pumped his stomach again.”

“Is he going to make it?” Brittany's voice was small.

“We won't know for sure until the morning.”

“Why did his heart stop,” Auntie asked.

“Between the pills along with the physical and emotional stress his heart is weak. The sleeping pills he took can cause heart complications but we believe that's under control. As I said though, if he makes it through the night his chances of survival increase.”

“So we just wait?”

“That's all we can do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the disappearing act. All work and no play makes Goldie an angsty writer.


	9. ...Floating...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kurt makes a decision about his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MILD SUICIDE IDEALIZATION AND TALK OF SUICIDE ATTEMPT

Kurt felt the tugging become more insistent, almost like it was dragging him down and away from Purgatory but he wasn’t sure he was ready to leave the calm behind. What would he even be going back to if he did? As hard as he thought he couldn’t remember, could only think clearly about floating and pulling. If he got pulled much more, weightless or not he was going to fall, crashland on Earth or just go straight to Hell. He wasn’t sure he was ready for either, but he couldn’t just drift forever and it was time to make his decision. The floating and tugging slowly faded, allowing him a period of clarity.

The one good thing that came out of his near death experience was an epiphany; his realization that his problems didn’t stem from him being gay. If his problems were simply because he were gay his life would’ve fallen apart years ago, hiding it or not. Everything happened because of how everyone reacted, himself included. He had gotten scared, had lashed out before drawing into himself so far it wasn't a surprise he had finally imploded. Fear had been what led him down this path, what he clung to. Now, it was time to stop being afraid, he just wasn’t sure how.

He could keep floating, but that would only go on for so long. Pretty soon he was either going to fly away or give in to the tugging. He knew if he flew away it would be for forever, but he didn't know where he would go. Would he just stop existing all together?

More tugging. Every time he stopped focusing directly on the tugging it became more prominent, as though reminding him it was there. It wanted him to fight. It wanted him to refuse to give in and float away and become some sad story everyone would forget in time. The idea of just flying away was more appealing, but not as convincing as the tugging. There was still so much he wanted to do. So many things he wouldn’t have to hide anymore. So many people going through something to similar to what he was.

He had made up his mind, and the next time he felt the tugging he gave into it, allowing himself to be pulled down. Fast. Faster. Faster. Colors whirled by until he finally crashed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Kurt woke up it was in stages. He could hear first, a steady beeping that he assumed was his heart rate, the sound letting anyone nearby hear that his heart was still beating, that he hadn’t died. The feel of the sheets and blankets tucked around him reminded him about that as well, so did the scratching feeling in his throat and the air puffing artificially into his nose. Finally, his eyes opened.

“Kurt?”

“Britt?”

“Yeah, it’s me.” She walked over and grabbed his hand.

“I’m alive.”

It wasn't a question but she wanted to confirm it anyway.

“You’re alive.” She squeezed his cold hand in her smaller, warm one. “Do you need anything right now?”

“Water?”

“Of course.”

Brittany helped him take a few sips from a straw before adjusting his pillows as he leaned back.

“How long?”

“You’ve been unconscious for two days.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Pretty much the entire time.” She brushed some hair off of his forehead. “I went home to shower and change but came right back.”

“Why?”

“I had to see for myself that you were okay; I owe you so much Kurt.”

“No you don't.”

“You always treated me like I mattered, even when we broke up.”

“You do matter Britt, so much.”

Kurt was carefully observed before they announced the sleeping pills were out of his system and his heart was on the track to recovering. He had also been evaluated by a therapist who decided they needed to start sessions.

After all evaluations were done he was told he was being kept for observation for a few days until they were confident his heart was in complete working order. He was moved from the ICU into observation and was allowed multiple visitors again. So far he had only seen Brittany, the doctors not wanting to risk any form of stress until they knew exactly where Kurt stood medically. Auntie, Brittany, Rachel, Matt, and Mike all clambered into the room at the same time.

“Unicorn! Look what I got you!” Brittany held out a rainbow tie dyed stuffed unicorn toy.

“Thanks Britt, I love it.” He smiled as he accepted it, tucking it into his side before accepting hugs from everyone.

“I’m so happy you didn’t become a pegasus and fly away.”

“So am I.”

“What are the doctors saying,” Matt asked.

“They want to keep me here until Saturday, then I can go home as long as there’s someone there who can check up on me.”

“Our offer still stands Kurt, you could move in with us.”

“I’ll think about it Britt, thanks.”

All of them talked and avoided uncomfortable subjects since Kurt was supposed to be avoiding stress. Matt and Mike had to go first, Kurt lecturing them teasingly about missing practices, Brittany going with them to make it to Cheerio practice. Sue had let her take time off when they didn’t know if Kurt was going to live which had surprised Kurt. Auntie had to get back to work as well but promised to stop by the following day. Rachel, however, decided to stick around. 

“Things are oddly normal,” Kurt commented.

“You could use a little normal right now.”

“I don’t want everyone walking on eggshells because of me.”

“Then can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“I guess I want to know why.”

“Why I did it?”

“Yeah. But you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to!” She was quick to add the last sentence, not wanting to pressure him.

“No, it’s fine. To be honest it was all just too much, you know? I was terrified because I kept telling myself my mom was watching over me and then that was gone too. It didn't feel like I had anyone and as much as I like my privacy and being independent I don't want to be alone.” His eyes teared up, voice cracking. “I really don't want to do this alone anymore.”

“You won't have to.” She grabbed his hand firmly in hers. “We may not always see eye to eye on things Kurt, but I'm here for you from now on, okay?”

He nodded. “Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? I'm open to suggestions.


End file.
